diffie

i've always been a bit allergic to cats, in that if i touched one and then rubbed my eyes they'd get itchy. that's ok, just wash my hands in between. in 2018, i adopted diffie at 16 months old. look at her now. she's baby! 宝贝儿！！

one day in march 2022, something changed. i have been Very High ly allergic to diffie for just over two years now. i have been on the immunology waiting list for 22 months and counting. they have flaked on my initial consult twice and counting, pushing it back by three months each time.

i take two desloratadines a day, but even then, it flares up for days at a time. every time i touch diffie or anything she has touched, the next flareup draws closer. i am itchy in so many places. i can never sit on the couch again without paying dearly for it. i have to watch where my paws go, my clothes go, my towels go, and so does everyone i live with. forgetting to cover my pillow in the morning is a grave mistake. my nipples have bandages over them at all times. lately when things get especially bad, i'll start hacking and crackling and wheezing.

despite all that, i would say i'm getting the hang of managing it. i know how to deal with flareups, and i know how to keep myself safe. but over time, keeping myself safe grew into refusing to touch her, which grew into avoiding her, which grew into resenting her. diffie learned to find her love elsewhere, with shark. shark gets a lot more diffie than it used to, that’s a silver lining!

the other night i gave diffie a bunch of pats. she was so happy, and at the same time, so confused. by this point, i was only giving her meaningful attention like four times a year, each time while in some kind of altered state of mind.

she had forgotten what it was like to feel my affection. and i had forgotten how important she was to my wellbeing.

i forced myself to forget, so i wouldn’t get hurt.